Let the tension begin

So we all know the havoc Covid19 is wrecking on the world.

As of yesterday 27 March 2020, my country went into a 21day lockdown.

Now we all know that being confined brings out the worst in people.
Well today it did in my house, well kinda.
So I still live with my parents and for 2 weeks now I’ve been home because university got cancelled. And well, tension is running high.

Now, mind you my parents and I get along really well. But ever since my brother passed away in 2018, over been very complacent. I’ve put my parent before me in every single way, but in the process I’ve made myself a doormat.

Now, I’m not without my faults, I’m a fussy person, not in a bad way. More like, my pillow for example (a lot of people come and stay and they use my room as a guest room) and I hate people using my pillow. So I didnt throw a fuss, I took a spare pillow and keep it in the cupboard and take it out to sleep only.

Well, tonight I came up from the lounge wanting to go to bed.
My mum is lying on my bed on the phone.
Despite knowing I want to go to bed ( I suffer from a pinched nerve, so after a full day of studying I need to lay down) she continues on the phone.
So me being me, I didnt outright say anything, because well, call me a doormat. But I slinked around the room trying to show her I wanna go to bed. Eventually I left my own room and went to another.

That’s not even the worst part.
The pillow I spoke of earlier was under her back and ass. The pillow I put my face on had her ass on it.

But I didn’t say anything. 

About 10min later I left the room I was in and I meet up with mum in the hallway and she says to me ” I vacated your room long ago” and I replied with ” well, how was I supposed to know”
I mean I’m in a whole other room, unless u tell me , how am I supposed to know.
Then I tell her about the pillow and she insists it wasn’t on her ass. Like no it was, just admit it and say sorry.

Then 2min later she comes into my room and tells me she doesn’t like this caustic side of me .
Please, honestly tell me was i being caustic?
And goes on to say she wont be on a call in my room anymore.

She made the whole thing an issue about something that was never the issue.
I just didnt like that she had her ass on my face pillow.

All of this was said in normal voice, no shouting.

But now I feel like I cant even Express myself.
That they’ve gotten so used to be being complacent that they think I must always act like that.

For almost 2 years, I’ve put my entire life on hold for them. I’ve held off my emotions so that they could deal.
Ended up with anxiety because of it and this is how I getting paid back.
With someone who made me feel bad for stating something that troubles me, from the person who told me to do exactly that.

Anyone who has been through grief or even struggles, you know that point where you give up.
Well that’s me, I’ve given up (not on life) but I just don’t have the energy to stand up for myself, to fight.
I just feel so done for.

I feel like no one understands me
No, I’m not a pubescent teen, I’m a 21 year old girl.
But sometimes I feel like I’m 40.

Anyway, theres nothing I can do.
I guess I’ll just have to endure.

I just wish I had someone who understood me. I feel so misunderstood and unimportant.

Anyway, if you feel or have ever felt like this, let’s talk.
I wouldn’t want anyone feeling the way I do.

Till next time,
Ordinary girl